I Remember!

HIYEE!!! **WAVES**

It's amazing to me what ends up being a trigger for me sometimes. So what actually happened and why have I been in a month long existential crisis? The condensed version of the story is this: someone I consider family and have made an agreement to look out for was harmed in the exact way that the both of us have survived in the past. I won't say who, or exactly what happened; but I will say this: The entire purpose I serve in this relationship is to prevent this type of behavior. When I realized that it happened while I was being forced into alienation and vulnerability by my superior, I went supernova and let those motherfuckers know just exactly how despicable they were for letting it happen. I will say this, I am well known for being very kind, empathetic, and compassionate normally. That said, my dark side is terrifying to most people, and those who are stupid enough to harm a vulnerable party or innocent in my presence SHOULD be terrified. I'm not ashamed of the monster I have had to become to survive in my life, and protect my mother, siblings, and children. This happened in my professional life, however, and the overwhelming embarrassment of the situation threw me into what I can only describe as a full blown ego death episode. I lost myself for a second there, as I had no intent to get loud with my employer, and it was too much for me to handle.

I've spent the better part of this last month completely disassociated with my ego, and searching for what to do. I've been admittedly suicidal, neurotic, and also forced into isolation from the cowards that mishandled the situation. They won't talk to you once they realize it's a legal situation of course, even when it's the literal wrong thing to do to a human being in turmoil. I digress.

What is it that woke me up? Well, I have been going through everything: my past, spirituality and religion, and the shadow side of my psyche. It felt like I was walking in circles with no direction whatsoever. It clicked today when recording a cover song I have been rehearsing to for years. One of my favorite artists of all time, Gary Numan, has a song that has always spoke to me deeply, as it touches on the religious upbringing I survived. It says very plainly what I've known for years, but for some reason had forgotten. So there it is. SImple as that, I am not in the fear anymore. Clarity, calm, laughter, all suddenly back in my grasp. I have nothing to fear anymore BECAUSE I know exactly who I am, and I won't lose that again. I have no shame for my actions. The harsh words and rants I threw at certain people was justified. You don't harm my people. My people are the salt of the earth: the meek, the mourning, the merciful, the vagabonds, the hobos, the vulnerable, the survivors. Predators DO need to fear me, and I'm glad they fucking do.

So, I'm back. It's me, I'm Braydon in all my irreverent, loving, complicated, emotional, eccentric, spiritual, divine glory.

<3