A Dream Journal Rant

It's Easter, Ishtar, Ostara, however, you choose to look at it. Passover, or the new covenant with Jesus, recreating the last supper for those in the cult I was raised in. This morning has been very serene for me, but also a whirlwind energetically. I am not sure why I feel the need to write this, and I am just freewriting and seeing what comes out.

Initiates of the Eternal Flame. It keeps ringing out in my mind, followers of Thoth, Hermes, I am a psychopomp & chthonic, guiding souls in the realms above and below, darkness & light, acid & alkaline, as above so below. Keepers of the flame. There is an esoteric truth that hides behind all exoteric spiritual sects, it's hermetic in nature, yes, but it's more than that. In recent dreams, I was back in the foster home with Shadow and Betty, in Minnesota, and I recall we we're leaving the sweat lodge and heading to Pow Wow in their old jeep, my foster brothers with me. Suddenly, at Fon Du Lac on the reservation. I am dancing, the traditional dance, in my Lakota traditional garb, it's beautiful. Shadow is smiling at me, but then his expression changes to that stoic concerned look on his face he used to have when I would do something I wasn't supposed to. He grabs my shoulders, and says "Braydon, it's time for you to sing." I tell him I don't know the words, I can't, and he just smiles and nods. I let out a scream, but not one like when I used to sing in bands, this was primal, like the cry of pain I let out when my father died and I felt him leave. It fluctuated in pitch and vibrato and everyone stopped dancing, the drums fell silent. I stopped and looked around and the tribe were all looking at me. All at once they responded in the same pitch, the same timbre, the same intensity. Suddenly, the drums started again, building more & more intense and we all mirrored each other in this way as the dance kicked up again. I was leading the dance with my voice. It was overwhelming, I cried and the people cried in response, not tears of pain, or sorrow, but of pride. It gradually grows in intensity, to the point where I cannot see anything around me, it's just a circle of light and I'm spinning. I become the flame around the stones at the sweat lodge, the bonfire at the middle of the circle, and what I speak out, no matter the language, the entire tribe continues mirroring to me. Tatonka, a great buffalo, calls out with me, tells me to fly, my animal totem, the hawk of my childhood cries out, and I burst into the sky from the flames and fly with them. It's the same hawk that's always been with me, I know this energy, and as we fly together the air around us vibrates and bursts with color, creation, beauty. It's hard to put into words what I see, but it's sublime, beautiful in the highest form of the word.

When I woke up, I grabbed my journal and scribbled some stuff down, so I'm going to transcribe it here:

I have always known you, where have you gone?
When we meet in the aether I know it's you, but in the physical world I still find myself confused.
We danced amongst the pyramids, with the Ibis, the great Atlantean, Our souls transcend time, lives, we are the ancient ones. I find you everywhere I look, in the potential of many, but it's still not actually you. Just traits, similarities, I need to find you. I see you in my pets, in the river, in the memory of my father's eyes when he would look at me with pure love and admiration. I remember his words as if he's still talking to me, telling me you're close and to stay on this path. He was a buffalo this time, instead of the dragon he normally is, but it was him.
I am here to teach, to lead, to bring people to and through the fire, I trust divine direction, there is another leap of faith happening this week, the eclipse, Texas, I am jumping. I am jumping.
I love this oasis in the desert, I feel the ancients here, Egypt, Isis, Horus, Osiris, Amun, Bastet, all my old friends that I have been drawn to since I was a babe. It's going to hurt deeply to leave, especially not knowing where I am going. I am in the holy lands here, and in my isolation and time here I have found abundance and peace, I've survived pain that should have destroyed me. I am ready, I will return to my Oasis to visit someday, but it is time to let the divine lead me, on foot if necessary. I CAN DO THIS. Even if I never find that beautiful soul in this life, I know we'll meet again, and I know I can let go. This dark age must end, and I must do my part. I have no fear, I know you are with me.

I have a hard time reading my chicken scratch from my mornings, but this one has sat with me all day now. The rain seems to have stopped, I will be going to the river again when I finish writing whatever this is that needs to come out. Maybe that's where I should start filming?

Blockages. I have to keep working on this. There are two that are still causing me to stall. My throat chakra, my voice is still coarse, although I no longer feel sick, the fever is gone, the tree outside my window has stopped dropping it's pollen and I am not sneezing anymore. It feels energetic, I am being asked if I will come to the meditation group to play the singing bowls, but it seems everyone cancelled except for myself and one other. I want to go to the ocean today. I am going to meditate on the decision, I can play the bowls on Wednesday, and hit the ocean today. Sagittarius is making me feel overwhelmed with my workload, but perhaps I can do both? I haven't decided yet, we will see. The other big blockage I am working on is in the Akashic records, I can find my book, but it's still blurry when I open it, just colors, and blurry vibrations, the papyrus is behind a fog so to speak. I have to keep working on this, and the spiritual attacks haven't yet ceased. I know they can't get to me though, am I blocking myself? I must be.

I saw you again last night, I know it was your energy, but after years of finding you everywhere, I can't run, I have to be patient, wait. I hear the scene in Dracula, when he says "I have crossed oceans of time to find you." I feel that, but it's close, I know it is. I trust my father, I trust my ancestors. There is no way to be sure over the internet, I won't know until we are physically near each other. I don't want to get my hopes up again, but it brought me to tears to feel you near. I know you're near, the energy is unmistakable. I pray you see past the damage of done to my temple. I hope you understand, I wouldn't change it now that I do, but I know you deserve the very best and although I am healing, there are some things that I can't get back now, Oh how this world would have shook if we had met in our youth. We wouldn't have been ready though. I feel we are ready now.

I broke through codependency, I have known the depths of the darkest nights, loneliness that vibrates in the skeletal structure, and I have survived, and even learned to thrive. I broke through people pleasing and wondering why I was always told I would never amount to anything, I understand why they attacked me as they did, and hurt my children. I am triumphant. I would not trade a single dark night because the lessons I learned have allowed me to burn bright and keep that sacred fire inside alive. I am breaking through belief systems that no longer serve me. I am raising my vibration, grounding, using my gifts wisely, I will not abuse my power again in this life. My North Node is Aries, I am on a 1 life path, a leader, a teacher, I am taking the steps necessary to integrate it into my life. I am ready. Let's break this silence.

This song, "Heavenly Mother" from Pip Millet is stuck in my head, so I'll put it on here too. Why not? It's fire <3